Some Days Stay Gold Forever
by Eternal.Tranquility
Summary: Sirius never thought he'd lose her. He never thought he'd lose his best friend. He never thought he'd be framed for their deaths. Sirius never thought about a lot of things that would happen to him. But maybe he should've to spare himself the pain.
1. Chapter 1

Falling in love with her was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I'd never felt so emotionally invested in someone before. Sure I loved James, and Remus, and Peter, but they were kind of my friends and I loved them in a different manner than I loved her. And it scared me. It scared the shit out of me to fall in love with someone, to give my heart to them fully. I was terrified when it happened. And even though everything seemed the same, everything had changed.

She was the only person who could really hurt me. She could just walk into a room and if she had wanted to she could've ended me. And knowing that she could hurt me, that she could end me without even a second look was kind of scary, especially when she was angry and I actually thought she might kill me with her glare. That was what scared me the most, that I loved her, I'd let her in and she could hurt me.

It was one of the best yet worst thing I'd ever experienced.

I fell in love with everything about her. I fell for everything from how she scrunched up her nose when she sneezed to how she'd cling to me like life depended on it when she cried. I loved how she'd take really long showers when she was stressed, usually I'd sneak in after her just to try and comfort her. I loved how she let me wash her hair and of course how her shampoo smelled. I loved when we took baths together. We didn't have sex or anything like that, we'd just sit in the bathtub with her back against my chest and that was all we needed to do.

I loved when she braided her long blonde hair and added flowers then ran around like a little kid. I loved how she knew the way I took my tea and would make me some. I loved how we didn't need a lot to happy with one another.

While we were in school she'd sneak up to the boys dorms and sneak into my bed not afraid of getting caught. She'd lace our fingers together while we walked down the halls. She'd rest her chin on my shoulder and lightly kissed me on the cheek when she wanted to shag, she kissed my neck when she was just content. It was weird and I thought it should be the other way around but that was just how she was. I knew all her little quirks and she knew mine.

I knew how much she cared about James and Lily, I knew how badly she wanted them to be together and I knew that she'd talked to Lily begging her to give James a chance. But we never told him that. He didn't like when we meddled, because he thought he could win her over without our help, or maybe he thought we'd mess things up, who knows. She was always so full of fire. She knew what she wanted and she was never afraid to go after it. Or at least she didn't make her fears known. And it took me a while to get her to open up to me, but I didn't blame her because I took forever to open up to her too. But when we finally did open up it was a beautiful thing.

After we left Hogwarts we moved in together. And I loved that she was okay with just living with me. She didn't complain about it, she didn't whine about all the things she wanted or needed or thought we needed. She was fine with what we had and as long as she was with me I was fine too.

We had plenty of money really, well considering she came from a rich pureblood family who hadn't disowned her and she inherited a pretty penny the day she turned 18 of course we had money, the thing was we didn't use it to buy many things. We bought a small flat together right outside of London and we furnished it to the best of our abilities. To tell you the truth though we were shit at furnishing that place but it didn't matter. Most of our time was quickly consumed by The Order and the war we all knew had been brewing while we were in school. And though I didn't want her to join or be a part of this I knew I couldn't ask her not to. She was a great witch. Probably one of the best I'd ever met. Plus asking her not to help would be stupid, it'd be like telling her to abandon everyone she loved and run away, which was something she'd never do.

We didn't often talk about the war when we were home together. Usually we tried to talk about anything other than the war. We liked to talk about what would happen after the war even though we didn't know if we'd make it that far. Of course we wanted to believe that we would and never voiced the thoughts of not making it. I think that was because we were both too afraid to actually voice that we wouldn't make it that far like so many others. So at home we tried to keep things light and casual. We cuddled a lot more finding comfort in just being able to hold onto one another, and we took the days as they came.

James and Lily two of our dearest friends were sent into hiding and had baby Harry, whom we got pictures of and while things weren't great, they were okay.

Everything was okay until it wasn't.

I hadn't really seen it coming, none of us had, though a part of me feels like maybe I should've. Maybe if I would've paid more attention then I would've noticed or maybe I could've done something to change the outcome.

She'd went to see her family one day while I was on patrol. I'd been asked to watch after a couple of people who were supposed to be important in some plan The Order had to infiltrate where they thought Voldermort might be staying. And I went along with it because it's what I was told. It was just another day, I was protecting these two lads I didn't know and she'd went off to meet up with her family for brunch or something. I didn't really know the details of her morning but we'd planned to meet back up at our flat for dinner like we always did. I'd kissed her goodbye, told her I loved her then left not knowing it would be the last time I'd see her alive. If I had there were so many more things I would've told her. And I know it was silly not to consider every time we said goodbye our last since we didn't know what would happen but I'd let myself believe that we would actually make it out of this and then I lost her.

All I remember about finding out is that I'd been standing in this room with these two lads waiting for one of the others to come and pick them up. My job was simple, if anyone came in to attack I fought them off. Only no one came to attack. I remember Remus came in looking all sullen, he looked like he'd been crying and of course I was suddenly more alert than I'd been all day.

"Sirius I'm so sorry."

He just kept repeating that until I grabbed his shoulders and demanded that he tell me what happened. I needed to know if she was okay but I already knew the answer.

"They attacked, it was a surprise attack. They killed her entire family and believe she was the last one they killed as she was found in the bedrooms near her brother while the rest were downstairs."

I lost it after that.

"No." I croaked, I hadn't even realized that I'd been crying. That my eyes were wet, my hands were shaking, I couldn't even see right. "NO!"

I punched a wall and I remember finding out I broke my hand hitting the wall so hard. But I hadn't cared. I leaned against that wall and I hid my face in my hands while I sobbed.

That was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

Losing Marlene, the girl I was so in love with. The girl I wanted to ask to marry me when things were over, losing the girl I was so in love with, the girl that I wanted a family with, I wanted a future with her, I wanted us to grow old together, losing the girl I wanted a life with, that was the hardest thing I ever did.


	2. Chapter 2

The first few days were hard. I couldn't sleep, and as much as I wanted to drink my pain away I couldn't. I was angry, I was sad, I was fucking emotionally messed up. I broke things, I cried, I screamed, after three days I was just numb. My flat was a fucking disaster but I had no intentions on cleaning it up. Remus came by finally, I think he stayed away because he knew that as much as I needed someone I needed to be alone more. I needed to just let everything out. And I probably would'veended up hurting him, or really he might've ended up hurting me. I think he stayed away because he knew if he came by someone would get hurt.

I'd been so bad I hadn't even known they'd planned her funeral, but Remus came by to get me. And I was glad he did, even though I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to watch the girl I was so madly in love with it that it hurt be put into the ground and then covered up with a bunch of fucking dirt. But I knew that I needed to be there. She'd want me there, and well I knew she'd want me to say a few words. We had talked about this once. We'd told one another what we wanted, in case this happened. Though we weren't ready to really think it would. She'd told me that she wanted me to speak, tell everyone about her. She wanted them all to remember her but she didn't want it to be sappy shit that made her look like something she wasn't. And so I went because I had to uphold my end of the bargain. And that's what I did.

I went and I spoke. I didn't cry or, I didn't break down, I just walked up in front of everyone who'd been able to make it and I talked about her. I told them about her. I told them about how she was always such a pain in school but we'd always been mates. How she was one of the most infuriating people I'd ever met but I'd do anything for her. I went on about how she was really thick headed. I mentioned how much she liked tea and how she was obsessed with hot coco with a peppermint stick. I told them about her love for muggle cameras, music, and movies. I shared the Marlene I knew with them like she wanted me too.

And when it was all over I'd told Remus I needed a bit of time alone again. And he gave it to me. And I lost it again.

"It's not fucking fair Mar." I breathed out while my fingers pushed through my hair. "It's not."

I was fucking pissed off that this was happening. I was pissed off that the sun was out and the sky was clear. I was pissed off that I was here. And I don't know how long I was there. I don't know how long I stood there in front of her tombstone just staring at it before I sat down next to her fresh grave. I don't know how long I was sitting there with half my body resting on her grave sobbing and screaming that she needed to come back. I don't know how long that went on. But I was sure it went on for a while before I was being pulled up off the ground numb again.

I missed her so much.

Being alone in my flat was depressing, but being there with someone else was even more depressing because it wasn't Marlene and would never be Marlene again.

"Sirius you should really clean this place up. You have to let her go and you can't keep living like this." I heard Remus tell me one day. I think it was a day or two after her funeral. I just sent him a look and ignored it. Until he started to touch things.

"Stop." I said holding my hands up and moving in front of him so he couldn't touch anything else.

"Don't fucking touch anything. Just don't fucking touch it."

"Sirius-"

"NO! I can't."

He didn't seem to understand that I really did not want to clean up, I didn't want to go through all her things because then I'd have to figure out what to do with it all. The pain was already real enough as it was even when I was fucking numb and couldn't cry. I didn't want to make it worse and even more real than it already was by going through her things.

He picked something up and handed it to me with a saddened look.

"I know you don't want to deal with this, but you need to. She wouldn't want you like this and you know that as much as I do."

And I did. I knew he was right. She wouldn't want me like this, she wouldn't want me to waste away in this flat, but I just couldn't fucking help it. I missed her so much. I sat back down on the bed and looked at what I'd just been handed. It only made my heart hurt more, but I couldn't look away.

It was a picture from our last year at Hogwarts. The edges were kind of torn and you could tell it'd been through hell and back over the last few years. I gently ran my fingers across it remembering it well actually.

_Marlene's arms were up in the air while she twirled around like an idiot. Her and Lily had just made themselves flower crowns. I didn't really understand why, really I'd thought it was kind of weird but at the same time I'd thought it was cute the way they were twirling around and laughing and just looked happy for a change. So much had already happened and we weren't even out of school so it was nice to see them happy. _

_Lily had left James and I in charge of the camera and on the count of three we'd snapped the picture. Capturing both girls twirling into one another in a fit of laughter before they fell to the ground. Of course I'd thought it was pretty funny and laughed while I watched it. And I'd helped her up after we'd told them we'd gotten the picture. She'd taken my hand and let me help her up, and then we were walking away from James and Lily giving them a bit of space. They were at a weird place right now still trying to figure out where things were going with them. Well it was more Lily trying to figure everything out and James waiting for her to just come around, either way we left them walking away._

_ I'd wrapped my arm around her shoulder and kissed her head before just stopping all together to pull her into me and hug her. I was like this sometimes. Sometimes I just needed to hold her, it was still weird whatever was going on between us since I'd never experienced anything like it before, but I knew that I cared so much about her. I knew that I loved her I just hadn't been able to tell her yet. And sometimes I just needed to hold her close to me like this. I mean even though we were still in school I was worried. There was a war brewing and I was worried for her safety. I was worried for my own safety. I was worried about a lot of things and somehow I felt relaxed when I could hold her like this. It helped when she hugged me back. And we stood there in just holding one another for a few minutes before finally pulling apart._

_ I'd opened my mouth to tell her something but she just put her finger up to my lips, "shh."_

_ I watched her, I watched while she took her flower crown off her head and placed it on mine and smiled at me. _

_"Everything's going to be fine."_

_ I didn't understand what she was talking about since I hadn't said anything but she kept talking._

_ "I know you're worried about what's going to happen when we leave here. I know. I know you're scared because there's a war coming and we're going to have to fight. I'm scared too. I'm worried. I'm so terrified actually that sometimes I have nightmares. Sometimes I wake up in my bed in the middle of the night so afraid of what will happen. Sometimes I wake up crying because I found my family, one of my friends dead, or you dead. It scares the shit out of me that it could happen. But we can't let that stop us from living right now. We can't let the future hold us back. Sure we'll go to war and we might die. And it's scary to think that we might not get the bright futures that we want. We might not get to get married to our loves or have kids, things might be cut short. But we can't think about that right now because if we do then we won't have any fun while we still have the chance to have fun." _

_Then her lips were against mine for a moment, and God did I love her so much in that moment._

Tears dripped from my eyes again and I gripped onto the picture so tightly. It hurt so much. I missed her so much. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, so many things I needed her to know. But she was gone and I couldn't. I told myself I'd clean up. I'd go through all her things and make this place look nice again. I mean at least I still had her memories. They'd fucking haunt me. I knew they would. But I guess it was better than nothing.

And I did. The next day I went through everything. I was still fucking upset that she wasn't there. That she'd never walk through the door again, that we'd never share another firewhiskey. I was upset that I had all these memories of her but that's all they'd ever be, memories. They'd never be real again. But I didn't let that stop me. I pushed through and finished cleaning. Organizing everything and cleaning up the shattered bottles on the floor. And when I was done I took the last bottle of firewhiskey I had and I laid in my bed drinking it and looking through some of the old pictures.

A month later when I was actually starting to actually cope with her death, ( I didn't cry so much anymore, I mean I still woke up and felt for her next to me, I still cried out for her at night when I had nightmares, but I was getting better. ) Lily and James were murdered and I was framed for giving away where they were, oh yea and framed for the death of Peter along with 13 muggles. Because it made so much fucking sense that I'd lead someone to my best fucking friend so they could kill him, his wife, and the baby, but whatever.

I wasn't guilty. But I was so broken that I didn't even know how to fight back. I just let them throw me to the Demtors. Of course for those fuckers to actually be able to suck your soul you had to have happiness for them to take away, and I didn't have any of that. I didn't fucking have an ounce of happiness left in me. The only person I hadn't fucking lost was Remus but he thought I was guilty too. What was there left for me to happy about? Voldemort and his God Damn followers murdered my best friend, the love of my life, everyone I fucking cared about. I was so fucking broken when I was thrown in Azkaban that I didn't have any reason to fight back. I wished I was dead. Because it would've been better than sitting in that cell with my memories haunting me every fucking minute.

Death wouldn't come to me until much later though. It wouldn't come until I was actually happy. Funny how that works really.


End file.
